Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
