hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
