Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
