what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
