He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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