um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
