well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
