sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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