I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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