I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
