Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
