there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
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