Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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