How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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