Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
