I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
