I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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