I faked an abortion last night.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
