By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize