did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
