The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
