Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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