a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
