I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
