Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
