My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
