I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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