I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize