Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
