i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
