My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
