ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
