We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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