i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
