im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
