the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Bring me that man meat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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