i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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