Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
