Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
