Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
