i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
