i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
