She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
