for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
