Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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