i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
