The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
