i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
