If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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