You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
