I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
