Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize