I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
