Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
