he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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