Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
