I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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