I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
