I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
