dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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