Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
