I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
